I cried in my shower, the only place that i feel alone in my house this days... The noise level in my home and the anxiety is slowly killing me inside, there is no room to breath.... I wanted to leave him and run away. I wanted to take my three kids and go back to my calendar, my perfect organize world, i wanted to take that disney cruise so bad, spend summer at the beach, go back to my days as a family of 5, our beautiful bond and I wanted to run like hell. I wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted to be pregnant so bad. I wanted it to be the afternoon he was born again...when I was happy and excited and when I wore the white and blue hospital nightgown knowing joy was to come. I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back. so bad... I dream of that day, what if i went back on that February 22, and Lorenzo wouldn't be born sick, what if i had one more day of that perfect pregnancy days, the illusion of holding a healthy baby, after all i went thru with tristan.
I moaned in pain and through it all, this little breath of heaven needed me. I cried while I held him. I cried as each doctor just look at me, and you know there is something wrong with your baby and just don't know what is it. I cried at physical therapist when i was told to be ready to have a walker in my future because lorenzo is behind and probably will be behind in his development, I cried over my garden because i know this home won't work for me any longer... i cried over his 4 months old check up and of course my wonderful pediatrician just hold me tight and said we won't start cereal, because he can't hold his head and we just can't feed him right now, we will talk again about that in the six month checkup, i cried over the millions times sofia tells me mom we need of those for lorenzo to get in the pool knowing he just can't use it, I cried over my mom moving away, the only interaction i had at home during the day, i cried over the fact that the plan i had for my future and my kids is somehow upside down and we need a new one.... so YES I CRIED, I CRIED, I CRIED...
but then the sun came up and with it,
HOPE & ACCEPTANCE.... and changes.....the future will be somehow different in many levels to everyone in our family, we will do things different than before & somehow i know it will work out exactly the way it should...
